The fox is here!

Do you ever imagine what your life would look like if it were a movie?

I would say mine would be one of those arty world cinema films full of lust, secrets, passion, sex, dance, style, men, music, wine, kiss, touch, all of the above!

Sometimes on the bus I imagine the first lines of a poem or try to write them in my head.. They are about myself and my experiences.

Here goes:

My eyes close and imagine his kiss once more
Igniting flames deep within my body, radiating out
He said I was on fire
And I was
I miss him so much it hurts
And I wonder if anyone will ever make me feel like that again

I was the actress
A sexy wildcat without a care
Tried to keep you there
Hiding my fears and longing

I want to lock you between my thighs
So you can't go nowhere
Riding you deeper and deeper
Kissing, licking, sucking
Moaning, spreading

I love the way he touched me
Your fingers rubbing, circling
Dipping in and out
No one ever made me come like that
Over and over

I want more
But your lips are gone.

You said I was juicy
I love the way you looked at me
Like a ripe fruit, dripping and ready
I loved to play.

A showreel of moments
Plays in my mind
Popping up all the time
I can't escape you
You're a part of me now
Making me hungrier

A man catches my glance
I wonder if he has a clue
of the Secrets I hide
or the passion which is always there.

I am bursting.

Hello all,

I wonder if anyone really does read this and if so any comments are welcome.

Although I can't promise that the commentary on my life will be of interest!

I decided today that I would start writing again. It felt like more of a need. I am weighted down with so many thoughts, and however much I try I can't escape them. They say we have 9,000 thoughts a day or whatever it is, but when I look around I wonder if anyone is as disheartened as I am at the moment.

In a nutshell it has been one rollercoaster of a year, had an affair with a married man and I am still trying to get over it. We never even broke up properly I just started avoiding him as I was overcome with negative emotions and guilt. But I am 27 and this is the 2nd year I have been "single" without any serious relationship. I've dated a fair bit in the first year but the last year has really been all about this man. I fell for him so deeply and it hurts so much. I still have to see him around because he is in my social circle. I have felt like I am slowly going insane over him, sometimes my mind is racing with thoughts, and my heart is so heavy. I can be on the bus or at my desk, or sitting outside on my lunch break and my eyes just start welling up.

The quiet, the loneliness. I feel like I am dying inside. In my darkest months after my breakup I had visions of freefalling into a black hole and holding my arms. Sometimes I feel I would be better of dead because my life without love or passion feels grey and empty.

Looking back I know that he is a womanizing rat and has been with other women since me. Why do I hate him and love him at the same time? He was so charming and made me feel elated. I enjoyed it. When we were together I was happy, even though it fills me with shame and sadness that what I had with him was nothing, apart from the crumbs of someone else's life.
I never felt jealousy to this extent before. I couldn't help wondering why I wasn't good enough for him. Why did he kiss me, chase me, have sex with me, call me after, keep texting me (which fucked my mind up even more and still is) to ask how I am, if he was content.

I have seen him with his wife and they looked completely in love. The pain is a quiet, slow drill which weighs me down so much. I had to keep smiling so as not to give away anything. After all, my feelings don't matter do they? I am starting to believe I will never be happy without love.

About a year and a half ago I turned to learning to dance in order to find an outlet to express myself. I am so glad that I found it, it's not a hobby, it's become the biggest passion I have ever had. Probably IS the greatest love of my life. It is inspiring me to do so many things:

- to keep learning and developing as a dancer
- to travel to South America and Cuba to experience the dances and where they originate
- to learn Spanish which I am doing and loving!!
- to learn other languages, next will be French!
- I feel like it has made me a more interesting person
- I have more confidence

It is funny how this post started and how when I started to talk about dance my mood is just instantly lifting. I can always rely on dancing to cheer me up It's like a drug! I know that I will NEVER ever stop dancing.

Music is my comfort.. I could not live without beautiful music! Sometimes I listen to songs, and I always listen very hard to lyrics. Strange how some songs get you right there and feels like it has been written for you?

I decided to offload my crap here as I am getting so disheartened with Facebook. I feel very lonely when I log in and see all my "friends" ignoring my posts and making plans without me. I mean what the fuck? I like to think I am a nice person and tried to show that I am there for them but they have been shit. Especially since I got sorted with a new job and some sign of a future, it feels as though they aren't really happy with me. I have and am continuing to meet a lot of friendly people at dancing though so I hope over time we stay friends and dancing buddies

People do tell me I am gorgeous and always looking good and looking like I am up to no good? lool. I admit I do love compliments and why shouldn't I, not like I have a Prince Charming to tell me these things.

I gave up waiting for some perfect man to transform my life, if I meet him goodo if (and more likely) not I am moving on with my life and chasing everything I want and it feels damn good. I ain't waiting for no one especially not your sorry ass Mr Married! Fuck youuuuuuuu Married Man!

Ahem sorry I need to vent and don't know how. I looked for kickboxing the girly kind where you scream and punch and kick a bag. But I couldn't find anything. Must only be in the US!

I am also trying to pay off my debt so I can move out - I still live with my parentals (oh the same). I guess I am just not where I want to be in life in terms of having the THINGS that I want to have like a plush flat, or live abroad, or be travelling the world.

But inside I am rich : I am full of life, passion, love and the next person who gets it is gonna have to work hard cause he will have to be be damn fucking lucky to get it!

Today the guy I have been seeing finally told me some truth. I expected that he was a player. Today he told me he is MARRIED.

I don't know what to do. I like him and want him so much.

He wants me very badly. I feel like I can't resist him.

I am a good girl and have never messed about with someone who was taken before.

I believe in karma and probably something bad would happen to me if I carried on.

My logical mind says no no no.

But he melts me. When we kiss I feel so much passion and I know he does too. He said I blow his mind. Not just my body but the way we talk and my personality..

Oh God... somebody help!

He's not replying to my text messages. I tried to call him twice. I am stopping now. I give up. This guy is a total fucking player and I am pretty sure I am just one of many options he has. Fucking smug bastard. Why do I waste my time on guys, thinking one of them is gonna like me and care about me?

He just wanted to get in my pants. He DIDN'T. So instead he decided it would be fun to take the piss out of me and be a bastard instead.

My head is exploding, I can't take much more.

Hating life at the moment.

I'm trying to stay positive but I am really very depressed. I wake with a sinking feeling in my chest and it stays there all day, I can't snap out of it. I went dancing and went to the gym and I cant even get a buzz from that anymore. I seem to live in my thoughts and just find it hard to be practical and just enjoy the moment. I am always worrying.

I have a lot to worry about because I don't have a steady job. I also have no idea where my career is going. I look for the same jobs that I have experience in, but I'm drifting from temp role to temp role because a) thats all i can get at the moment and b) I don't know what else to do.

I hate the corporate world. I would rather be doing something dance-related or to do with fashion, beauty or health. I've applied to do some part time massage work - Indian Head Massage. It would be a relief to do something completely different to be honest.

I'm doing crappy telesales to get by, after this week which was week 1 I only made 1 and a half leads, you are meant to do 90 calls per shift. That's fucking ridiculous. The others in the team don't seem to mind it though.

I feel that after a year and a half I am still not completely over my ex. We were together for 7 years and it was the only serious relationship I've had. At the time I broke up with him we had been going through more and more problems, so that eventually I had had enough. Since him I have just had a series of meaningless flings, trying so hard to get out there, meet people and just have fun. I've been able to be self-indulgent since then and focus on me. Even when you have all your time to do that it still doesn't work out all the time. I do miss him. But we are not even on speaking terms. He doesn't want to hear from me ever again. I hope I didn't fuck up my only chance of a real love.

You know all around me my friends are getting married, having babies etc. Settling down (we're in our mid-20s). I am living in a completely different world - the single life. It's so lonely sometimes.

I'm in love with my dance teacher. He's gorgeous. We've seen each other a few times out of class but I try not to chase him because I heard he is a player. It is becoming really depressing seeing him in class with all the other sexy girls pining after him. He's hot and he knows it. The girls flock to him. I never knew I was a jealous type until him. I might have to stop coming to his class soon. He has been being a bit mean to me in class lately. It really hurts. I feel like a little girl. I don't know why I can't find happiness.

I am lost.

OK so I emerged out of university 3 years ago, starry-eyed and excited at what the world had in store for me.

Sitting here on a cold November Sunday I am struggling to make sense of my "career" to date.

Career - the buzzword, one of the things we are meant to accumulate as an adult, especially as a Graduate. I have been floating around from placement to contract to contract role without any stability and seemingly, no career progression. We were advised at Uni that every bit of experience helps, and will all add up to ultimately a grand career in Graphic Design.

Yeah, fucking right.

I did the whole unpaid placement thing which really should be illegal as basically it allows sought-after creative companies to use students and graduates to do all the monkey-donkey work i.e. tea-making, photocopying, faxing, errands, basically all the shit jobs. At the end of it you get zero pay and if you're lucky some good contacts and possibly a permanent job offer.

But it has happened too many times, where I have landed a foot-in-the-door. The problem is I still feel I am on that first rung of the ladder.

After a year of unpaid work and very red bills from HSBC, I decided to opt for a "safer" route of doing in-house design for corporate companies around London. My golly I might have committed career suicide if there is such a thing. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices, but you never know unless you try different environments out. I liked dressing up smart and working the hot secretary look, with pencil skirts, trendy specs et al, and the camaraderie of working in an office sans pretentious "creative" types. It was actually refreshing to work with people who weren't obsessed with their egos and big ideas, who were more down to earth. The money was better for a while and I thought, hey I could do this. The downsides were that I was usually doing marketing material or making very boring things look pretty, but I had no interest whatsoever in the content. I worked in Law, Property, Finance, but all of the literature and corporate speak bored me to DEATH. Going to countless pointless meetings which resulted in nothing but stupid action points and "common goals", yeuch I hate the corporate world.

I also feel like a real-life Dilbert in that I felt I have been shitted on too many times working in the corporate world. I have many stories to tell about pervy ass bosses, bitchface marketing execs who used my ideas and didn't even keep me on, ass lickers who took credit for my work and worst of all the boss who promised me a long-term opportunity before sacking me in the last week of a SIX month probation.

Sitting here now with no real job and a string of temp roles on my CV, I have been doing some long-hard soul-searching about what I really want to do. I can't believe how much my interests have changed, even in the past year I feel I have just come alive! I don't know when that eureka moment happened, but at 26 I am edging away from the idea of what I wanted to be before graduating.

I have taken on many new hobbies this year and they have completely changed my life. I absolutely love Salsa dancing and I made it to Advanced level within 6 months! It has made me so happy and I am happiest whilst dancing. It has made me more appreciative of dance in general, I have the bug now so I want to try out other dances very soon!!

They say other things to do when considering a career change is just write a list of the things you love. Here's mine:

Dance, dance, dance!
Latin culture
Reading, anything and everything
Fashion
Health, beauty
Alternative therapies
Exercise - gym
Food, eating out, cooking
Film, especially world cinema
Learning languages
Reading and writing about men, relationships, dating, sex
Cool girly brands
Retro glamour: 1940s style

I also want to do more writing hence me starting up my blog again. I have been looking at Editorial Assistant jobs but it will be very tough and I am starting from the beginning again, oh well nothing new there.

Surely there should be a way out of a 9-5 where no-one really wants you to become successful. I am currently reading "The 4-Hour Week* for some inspiration on how to escape the rat-race. Wish me luck people!

Well this year has been the best year ever for me.

I've discovered a new passion - salsa dancing!!! I started learning in April and I love it!!! Getting pretty good quite quickly! I'm already in Intermediate/Advanced!! It's opened up a whole new social scene for me, I just love shaking my ass to Latin music!!!! Nothing compares to it! I've met some cool friends along the way and I am having so much fun

I came to read an old post of mine about Casual Sex.. I vowed never to do it again but it happened with a friend of mine, I met him at a club. I feel really worthless after, I gave up the goods again so quickly, I don't really like him enough for a relationship! I feel bad, I used him!! He actually does want to see me again but I don't this time.. I don't know what I'm doing! I love being single now, but I miss sex and intimacy. I feel a bit ashamed :*( Also I took the morning after pill cos the condom slipped off! Can't take any chances. So now I have a headache and feel bloated.. I try to read those books that tell you not to do it but I have no willpower.

Well this week has been tough. I was let go from my job at the end of a 6 month probation. They said I wasn't what they wanted in the long term. I wish they told me earlier rather then letting me invest my time in a dead end job. Such is life.

They let me go on Monday and I walked out feeling strangely relieved. The job was getting me down and I got very ill. I am glad I don't have to work with bosses I don't get on with and colleagues I don't really trust. They were about my age, 25-26 but very cliquey. They were all from the same area and I didn't really feel like I was accepted. I worked hard but it wasn't valued. Obviously not the company for me.

The work I have been doing has been quite routine - it tends to happen in office jobs, whatever the title. My CV is looking like a complete dogs dinner, I've moved around so much.

Still I feel even more driven and motivated to get over the obstacles in my life.

One thing that is really really getting me down is living with my parents at 26. I was about to move after my probation and now I can't because I have no job. I HATE living with them, it is so oppressive. I need to move ASAP. Everytime I go out they are phoning me, chasing me and telling me to come home. My friends look at me with pity because they don't understand why my parents make me come home early all the time. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them. But I look at them and they have no friends. They are typical asian family so fucking old fashioned. They disapprove of me going out and they discourage me from living my own life. Well tough shit because I have major plans - I can't put up with this much longer and I don't plan to. I only listen to them now because I'm under the same roof, but once I get a new job I have to break away otherwise this will be my life forever. I am missing out on so much fun because of them.

Today I will be busy looking for a job and my new life. I visualise having a great new job and FREEDOM.

I live with my parents, my older sister (29) and her baby son. I take on everyone's crap at home. They make me the babysitter, and if I have a job they dump their debts on me. I love them and yet I hate the way they make me live. I am sick of everything and can't wait to start a new life.

I have started learning to dance this year and it makes me feel amazing. Dancing is the only time I forget what's burdening me. I feel free and beautiful. I'm improving all the time and the music is so uplifting. It has given me the passion to try other dances and learn other things.

I am also learning Spanish. I hope to move somewhere nice in the sun! Apparently we work the longest hours in Europe. There is not much to stay for in this country apart from family and friends.

Really feeling low again

Since THE BIG break up I have thrown myself into improving every other aspect of my life, in a way it gave me a push to get my life together, trying to make myself happy. In a lot of ways this year I feel I have achieved a lot of goals. I don't think I ever made so many resolutions.

Got a better job, started going out with my friends more, and I have lovely friends.

But why is it I can't be happy being single? Can other women manage it? All that independent women stuff, is it really attainable. Not for me it seems. I go out every day, get up and go to work, and I've been working damn hard, throwing my energy into any other channel.. creatively and pursuing my interests.. but all I see when I'm out in London is all these fucking couples, everyone is WITH someone except me. Sometimes (often) someone catches my eye, then I spot their partner next to them. Oops.

Feel like I'm destined to be lonely forever. Music has become a bigger part of my life in the past year. I can't live without my MP3. Some of the songs are more uplifting, I try to listen to party type of tunes to keep my spirits up. People know me as a smiley happy person, but at night I get so lonely.. knowing I don't have anyone that cares about me.

I feel like I've been such a slut, trying to get out there and "meet" people. Have had many a date, only to find guys that wanna fuck me and that's it. Is this what I attract? I don't even dress provocatively. Why can't I find a good guy. Probably as their all fucking taken.

I started going Salsa dancing recently. I love it, it is so much fun. When I dance, I don't think about anything else. I wish I could block out all the pain and move on from the guys who have hurt me; I wish I could forgive myself for allowing myself to get used and dumped. I don't know how I fall into these situations, it has only happened a couple of times and I don't plan to make a habit of it. But a big part of me misses intimacy, hugging, kissing, touching, sex. I seem to equate it to being cared about, but they are very different things. Learning that most guys really do only want one thing. Sorry to generalise but I have yet to meet someone who makes me feel passionate AND is caring as well, they are either nice and not attractive or completely fucking hot but arrogant cos they so know they are gonna get some.

Feel very sad that I worry about this at only 26. But it seems all my friends are fucking settled, married, with kids.

OK so 2nd date with the French guy. We went for lunch, he was nice enough. I was starting to like him but I could see he obviously only wanted sex. I could remember flashbacks of this happening to me last summer, but I allowed my horniness to get the better of me.

We had enjoyed a lot of sexy chats online and texts, so in person he was flirting like mad. Being a single gal is just frustrating sometimes, eventually I thought fuck it and I agreed to go back to his house.

He was a big talker and I expected amazing sex. It was OK at most. Afterwards I felt really dirty and slutty because I am used to being in a long term relationship. Dating is so confusing. I shouldn't have given in like that again, but at the time it is like my logical sense switches off. I used him as much as he used me. I didn't even stay after, I left pretty much straight away. I didn't ask him to call me or whatever, it seems like that would be fake intimacy.

I have still been thinking about him but I know he is not gonna contact me again. It is kind of sad in a way. I really don't wanna do this again cause in my mind I want love and not just sex.

It's hard for a girl to do casual sex, well for me anyway. I seem to get too attached, and feel like I have no self-worth after. I read lots of dating guides online, rules and rituals. Does anyone remember them or know what they are? It seems if you feel a certain way, you should act the opposite?

Like if you like him, you should act like you don't - give them distance, that is what keeps them interested!

Whatever, I am done searching for now.

Gonna focus on my new job and keep my legs firmly CROSSED!