Well this year has been the best year ever for me.

I've discovered a new passion - salsa dancing!!! I started learning in April and I love it!!! Getting pretty good quite quickly! I'm already in Intermediate/Advanced!! It's opened up a whole new social scene for me, I just love shaking my ass to Latin music!!!! Nothing compares to it! I've met some cool friends along the way and I am having so much fun

I came to read an old post of mine about Casual Sex.. I vowed never to do it again but it happened with a friend of mine, I met him at a club. I feel really worthless after, I gave up the goods again so quickly, I don't really like him enough for a relationship! I feel bad, I used him!! He actually does want to see me again but I don't this time.. I don't know what I'm doing! I love being single now, but I miss sex and intimacy. I feel a bit ashamed :*( Also I took the morning after pill cos the condom slipped off! Can't take any chances. So now I have a headache and feel bloated.. I try to read those books that tell you not to do it but I have no willpower.

Well this week has been tough. I was let go from my job at the end of a 6 month probation. They said I wasn't what they wanted in the long term. I wish they told me earlier rather then letting me invest my time in a dead end job. Such is life.

They let me go on Monday and I walked out feeling strangely relieved. The job was getting me down and I got very ill. I am glad I don't have to work with bosses I don't get on with and colleagues I don't really trust. They were about my age, 25-26 but very cliquey. They were all from the same area and I didn't really feel like I was accepted. I worked hard but it wasn't valued. Obviously not the company for me.

The work I have been doing has been quite routine - it tends to happen in office jobs, whatever the title. My CV is looking like a complete dogs dinner, I've moved around so much.

Still I feel even more driven and motivated to get over the obstacles in my life.

One thing that is really really getting me down is living with my parents at 26. I was about to move after my probation and now I can't because I have no job. I HATE living with them, it is so oppressive. I need to move ASAP. Everytime I go out they are phoning me, chasing me and telling me to come home. My friends look at me with pity because they don't understand why my parents make me come home early all the time. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them. But I look at them and they have no friends. They are typical asian family so fucking old fashioned. They disapprove of me going out and they discourage me from living my own life. Well tough shit because I have major plans - I can't put up with this much longer and I don't plan to. I only listen to them now because I'm under the same roof, but once I get a new job I have to break away otherwise this will be my life forever. I am missing out on so much fun because of them.

Today I will be busy looking for a job and my new life. I visualise having a great new job and FREEDOM.

I live with my parents, my older sister (29) and her baby son. I take on everyone's crap at home. They make me the babysitter, and if I have a job they dump their debts on me. I love them and yet I hate the way they make me live. I am sick of everything and can't wait to start a new life.

I have started learning to dance this year and it makes me feel amazing. Dancing is the only time I forget what's burdening me. I feel free and beautiful. I'm improving all the time and the music is so uplifting. It has given me the passion to try other dances and learn other things.

I am also learning Spanish. I hope to move somewhere nice in the sun! Apparently we work the longest hours in Europe. There is not much to stay for in this country apart from family and friends.

Really feeling low again, and I can't shake this feeling.

Since THE break up I have thrown myself into improving every other aspect of my life, in a way it gave me a push to get my life together, trying to make myself happy. In a lot of ways this year I feel I have achieved a lot of goals. I don't think I ever made so many resolutions.

Got a better job, started going out with my friends more, and I have lovely friends.

But why is it I can't be happy being single? Can other women manage it? All that independent women stuff, is it really attainable. Not for me it seems. I go out every day, get up and go to work, and I've been working damn hard, throwing my energy into any other channel.. creatively and pursuing my interests.. but all I see when I'm out in London is all these fucking couples, everyone is WITH someone except me. Sometimes (often) someone catches my eye, then I spot their partner next to them. Oops.

Feel like I'm destined to be lonely forever. Music has become a bigger part of my life in the past year. I can't live without my MP3. Some of the songs are more uplifting, I try to listen to party type of tunes to keep my spirits up. People know me as a smiley happy person, but at night I get so lonely.. knowing I don't have anyone that cares about me.

I feel like I've been such a slut, trying to get out there and "meet" people. Have had many a date, only to find guys that wanna fuck me and that's it. Is this what I attract? I don't even dress provocatively. Why can't I find a good guy. Probably as their all fucking taken.

I started going Salsa dancing recently. I love it, it is so much fun. When I dance, I don't think about anything else. I wish I could block out all the pain and move on from the guys who have hurt me; I wish I could forgive myself for allowing myself to get used and dumped. I don't know how I fall into these situations, it has only happened a couple of times and I don't plan to make a habit of it. But a big part of me misses intimacy, hugging, kissing, touching, sex. I seem to equate it to being cared about, but they are very different things. Learning that most guys really do only want one thing. Sorry to generalise but I have yet to meet someone who makes me feel passionate AND is caring as well, they are either nice and not attractive or completely fucking hot but arrogant cos they so know they are gonna get some.

Feel very sad that I worry about this at only 26. But it seems all my friends are fucking settled, married, with kids.

OK so 2nd date with the French guy. We went for lunch, he was nice enough. I was starting to like him but I could see he obviously only wanted sex. I could remember flashbacks of this happening to me last summer, but I allowed my horniness to get the better of me.

We had enjoyed a lot of sexy chats online and texts, so in person he was flirting like mad. Being a single gal is just frustrating sometimes, eventually I thought fuck it and I agreed to go back to his house.

He was a big talker and I expected amazing sex. It was OK at most. Afterwards I felt really dirty and slutty because I am used to being in a long term relationship. Dating is so confusing. I shouldn't have given in like that again, but at the time it is like my logical sense switches off. I used him as much as he used me. I didn't even stay after, I left pretty much straight away. I didn't ask him to call me or whatever, it seems like that would be fake intimacy.

I have still been thinking about him but I know he is not gonna contact me again. It is kind of sad in a way. I really don't wanna do this again cause in my mind I want love and not just sex.

It's hard for a girl to do casual sex, well for me anyway. I seem to get too attached, and feel like I have no self-worth after. I read lots of dating guides online, rules and rituals. Does anyone remember them or know what they are? It seems if you feel a certain way, you should act the opposite?

Like if you like him, you should act like you don't - give them distance, that is what keeps them interested!

Whatever, I am done searching for now.

Gonna focus on my new job and keep my legs firmly CROSSED!

OK. So I started the Marketing Assistant job yesterday. It was a complete disaster. I felt so confused from 9am till 5.30 pm. I feel like they misled me about the role. When I got there I discovered it was all about pricing, data analysis and confirming the correct prices.

I really hate working with numbers. My background is Graphic Design so in general I have found that creatives and maths DO NOT mix. Like oil and water. I never really met an arty person who enjoyed working with numbers.

By the end of the day I actually felt I wanted to cry it was horrible. I felt so stupid.

I spoke with the MD at the end of the day and spoke my concerns. She advised me to give it more time. On the way home I felt so stressed, and I have had more first days than most people my age. I spoke to a couple of friends who thought I should go with my gut instinct. I phoned the boss to tell her I didn't think I could do the role and no longer wanted to pursue it.

She was actually really understanding about it. I felt so guilty. This leaves me in jobless limbo again. She gave me some good advice and told me to give any life opportunity more time. I will try to.. next time I am gonna ask to spend a day at a job if I'm not sure about it and see what the role REALLY entails.

So today I was back to the drawing board writing letters and applications mindlessly. It's becoming a process I'm used to.

I took a chance and contacted the other offer I turned down. Surprisingly they said the role was still available and offered me a trial day. This has really lifted my spirits! I hope it goes well. I really don't like getting my hopes up now as I starting to get so depressed about my career . I'm just not one of those people who knows what they want to do. I wish I was one of those people I meet who seem to genuinely love their job.

I can't stop thinking about the hot Italian guy at the Salsa bar that night. He was so hot. I loved dancing with him. He didn't ask for my number though and I didn't ask either. Argh! Now I'll probably never see him again.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find anyone meaningful again or if the rest of my life is gonna be a collection of drunken snogs, shags and crushes that never lead to anything.

They say never regret anything that made you smile. Although sometimes I find it hard not to.

I was with THE EX for 7 years, that's most of my adult life (i'm now 25). I still think about him. I think deep down I still love him, but I let him go because I felt I was always doing the chasing, always running for his attention, it was me who made the plans to go out, see each other. He didn't really seem to mind either way. I don't want someone so passive but he was the only guy who ever cared about me.

Everywhere I go I see happy couples. It makes me feel even worse. People keep saying I'm gorgeous, intelligent, whatever, why cant I find someone then? Guess I'm just going to have to concentrate on my career for now.

Well after the Christmas hols my job hunting was in full swing again as soon as January started. I have had great feedback and all my Christmas applications seemed to catch up with me at once.

I went to a 2nd interview for a job as a PR Assistant and they offered me the job. The only thing is it was for a charity and the salary was a lot lower than what I was looking for. The actual job was pretty much my perfect role, but I turned them down as I worried about future salary and did not feel that my heart was in their cause. I even called my career consultant and told him I had 2 offers and he thought I should pick the travel one as it is more down to earth, sounded like a lot of fun and would offer me the rewards I am looking for. I sound very capitalist but at the moment I guess I am quite money-motivated, less concerned about being ethical. Although I think working for the charity would have been a much more creative role.

About my 2nd job offer: I got a random call last Sunday from a travel company to come to an interview for a Marketing Assstant. I went along on Monday and whatever I did must've worked as they showed me around the office and introduced me to the team! It looked like a fun place to work but also hectic and disorganized. Hopefully I will be able to help them out. I thought initially to take the other job but I think I would miss out on too many perks if I didn't work here.

1) It's a luxury cruise line company which means I have the potential to travel
2) Friendly and international team.
3) Chance to learn all areas of marketing.
4) Chance to meet many interesting people from around the world.

It looked like they do a lot of data stuff and analysis which I am not too keen on as I am of a more creative background. I would like to improve my writing skills as I haven't really done any since my degree 2 years ago.

I am excited and nervous at the same time. I just hope it all goes well on Monday when I start. I have training and will probably spend most of the day sitting with people listening to them talk about their job. I always find this difficult as I think you never really know if you're absorbing this info until you have to actually do the job. I have been doing my research on travel marketing and I think it is a fun and exciting subject to work on. I hope now is the time I will get to use all my influences from quirky brands like lastminute.com. I love their campaigns, they are fun and visually appealing. The company I am going to work for has less humour in their brochures, as they are trying to promote Luxury branding.

I noticed that the information in their Brochures was quite confusing (or is this all travel brochures??) and the copy was wishy washy at most. I am not sure the UK audience would respond to this style. I was thinking of going on a travel writing course as I would like to learn more about how to do it!

Feel quite nervous about doing graphic design again to work on their brochures. I haven't worked on anything visual for a few months. Let's hope I still have some skills haha.

1. Eat healthy and exercise at least 3 times a week. Vary it up between dancing, cardio and toning. Pilates and Yoga etc.

2. Find a job. Interesting one preferred although times are hard and any job sounds better than nothing at the moment.

3. Do more dancing. Realised how happy it makes me to go out dancing and I thought why not take it up as a fun way to get in shape and learn some new moves Look into belly dancing, pole dancing, salsa and streetdance. Courses look expensive though might need a job first lol.

4. SAVE MONEY. Save where applicable ie. cut right down on my designer coffee shop and cake habit. Sugar is to be avoided! Remember the goal is to save up and move out.

4 Have fun. Life is short - after a long term relationship I feel like I am just starting to discover myself and enjoy the single life. More flirting, hot guys and hot sex please ha ha

So its back to business as usual for everyone going back to work. And back to jobhunting for me.

Today was a promising day, a few call backs and had a call from someone at Huntress agency who got me a Marcomms interview TOMORROW. It seems like an interesting job I hope I get one soon.

The parentals are never happy with me as usual - especially dad. I dont give a shit, today I realise they just disapprove of everything me and my sister do. I think my sister having fell pregnant (it happens duh) made them even more psychotic. The sooner I stop seeking their approval the sooner I'll be happy. I think throughout my whole life they've insulted me all the way and it only drives me to say fuck you I am gonna show you.

Not much else I can do except try to block them out and just plough away with the applications..

I have had a healthy day today woke up and did Oz Style Aerobics video lol it is quite good. Ate healthy food all day so I feel good already.

Yesterday - 1st Jan was fun. Went out to dinner for Christy's birthday it was a good laugh. Thai food is really nice I never realised!

New Years - boring new years eve. Am I the only one who wasnt at a wild party. Well I ended up taggin along with sis and her mate to a bar called Karma in Essex. It was ok so much eye candy, pwoooarrr.

God I'm gonna need a boyfriend soon its killing me. So frustrated. I think having sexy chats online can't help he he.

I thought about emailing M to say hapy new year but I thought I would try to save my dignity as he is probably snuggling up to his new girlfriend as I type. Cow.

Why is it always the ones you want that don't want you? And the ones you are not keen on seem to be crazy about you. !

Well despite all my probs I feel I have started te year with a positive outlook, a resolution to have as much fun as possible and try to gain many new experiences. More in other post...