Really feeling low again, and I can't shake this feeling.

Since THE break up I have thrown myself into improving every other aspect of my life, in a way it gave me a push to get my life together, trying to make myself happy. In a lot of ways this year I feel I have achieved a lot of goals. I don't think I ever made so many resolutions.

Got a better job, started going out with my friends more, and I have lovely friends.

But why is it I can't be happy being single? Can other women manage it? All that independent women stuff, is it really attainable. Not for me it seems. I go out every day, get up and go to work, and I've been working damn hard, throwing my energy into any other channel.. creatively and pursuing my interests.. but all I see when I'm out in London is all these fucking couples, everyone is WITH someone except me. Sometimes (often) someone catches my eye, then I spot their partner next to them. Oops.

Feel like I'm destined to be lonely forever. Music has become a bigger part of my life in the past year. I can't live without my MP3. Some of the songs are more uplifting, I try to listen to party type of tunes to keep my spirits up. People know me as a smiley happy person, but at night I get so lonely.. knowing I don't have anyone that cares about me.

I feel like I've been such a slut, trying to get out there and "meet" people. Have had many a date, only to find guys that wanna fuck me and that's it. Is this what I attract? I don't even dress provocatively. Why can't I find a good guy. Probably as their all fucking taken.

I started going Salsa dancing recently. I love it, it is so much fun. When I dance, I don't think about anything else. I wish I could block out all the pain and move on from the guys who have hurt me; I wish I could forgive myself for allowing myself to get used and dumped. I don't know how I fall into these situations, it has only happened a couple of times and I don't plan to make a habit of it. But a big part of me misses intimacy, hugging, kissing, touching, sex. I seem to equate it to being cared about, but they are very different things. Learning that most guys really do only want one thing. Sorry to generalise but I have yet to meet someone who makes me feel passionate AND is caring as well, they are either nice and not attractive or completely fucking hot but arrogant cos they so know they are gonna get some.

Feel very sad that I worry about this at only 26. But it seems all my friends are fucking settled, married, with kids.