The fox is here!

He's not replying to my text messages. I tried to call him twice. I am stopping now. I give up. This guy is a total fucking player and I am pretty sure I am just one of many options he has. Fucking smug bastard. Why do I waste my time on guys, thinking one of them is gonna like me and care about me?

He just wanted to get in my pants. He DIDN'T. So instead he decided it would be fun to take the piss out of me and be a bastard instead.

My head is exploding, I can't take much more.

Hating life at the moment.

I'm trying to stay positive but I am really very depressed. I wake with a sinking feeling in my chest and it stays there all day, I can't snap out of it. I went dancing and went to the gym and I cant even get a buzz from that anymore. I seem to live in my thoughts and just find it hard to be practical and just enjoy the moment. I am always worrying.

I have a lot to worry about because I don't have a steady job. I also have no idea where my career is going. I look for the same jobs that I have experience in, but I'm drifting from temp role to temp role because a) thats all i can get at the moment and b) I don't know what else to do.

I hate the corporate world. I would rather be doing something dance-related or to do with fashion, beauty or health. I've applied to do some part time massage work - Indian Head Massage. It would be a relief to do something completely different to be honest.

I'm doing crappy telesales to get by, after this week which was week 1 I only made 1 and a half leads, you are meant to do 90 calls per shift. That's fucking ridiculous. The others in the team don't seem to mind it though.

I feel that after a year and a half I am still not completely over my ex. We were together for 7 years and it was the only serious relationship I've had. At the time I broke up with him we had been going through more and more problems, so that eventually I had had enough. Since him I have just had a series of meaningless flings, trying so hard to get out there, meet people and just have fun. I've been able to be self-indulgent since then and focus on me. Even when you have all your time to do that it still doesn't work out all the time. I do miss him. But we are not even on speaking terms. He doesn't want to hear from me ever again. I hope I didn't fuck up my only chance of a real love.

You know all around me my friends are getting married, having babies etc. Settling down (we're in our mid-20s). I am living in a completely different world - the single life. It's so lonely sometimes.

I'm in love with my dance teacher. He's gorgeous. We've seen each other a few times out of class but I try not to chase him because I heard he is a player. It is becoming really depressing seeing him in class with all the other sexy girls pining after him. He's hot and he knows it. The girls flock to him. I never knew I was a jealous type until him. I might have to stop coming to his class soon. He has been being a bit mean to me in class lately. It really hurts. I feel like a little girl. I don't know why I can't find happiness.

I am lost.

OK so I emerged out of university 3 years ago, starry-eyed and excited at what the world had in store for me.

Sitting here on a cold November Sunday I am struggling to make sense of my "career" to date.

Career - the buzzword, one of the things we are meant to accumulate as an adult, especially as a Graduate. I have been floating around from placement to contract to contract role without any stability and seemingly, no career progression. We were advised at Uni that every bit of experience helps, and will all add up to ultimately a grand career in Graphic Design.

Yeah, fucking right.

I did the whole unpaid placement thing which really should be illegal as basically it allows sought-after creative companies to use students and graduates to do all the monkey-donkey work i.e. tea-making, photocopying, faxing, errands, basically all the shit jobs. At the end of it you get zero pay and if you're lucky some good contacts and possibly a permanent job offer.

But it has happened too many times, where I have landed a foot-in-the-door. The problem is I still feel I am on that first rung of the ladder.

After a year of unpaid work and very red bills from HSBC, I decided to opt for a "safer" route of doing in-house design for corporate companies around London. My golly I might have committed career suicide if there is such a thing. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices, but you never know unless you try different environments out. I liked dressing up smart and working the hot secretary look, with pencil skirts, trendy specs et al, and the camaraderie of working in an office sans pretentious "creative" types. It was actually refreshing to work with people who weren't obsessed with their egos and big ideas, who were more down to earth. The money was better for a while and I thought, hey I could do this. The downsides were that I was usually doing marketing material or making very boring things look pretty, but I had no interest whatsoever in the content. I worked in Law, Property, Finance, but all of the literature and corporate speak bored me to DEATH. Going to countless pointless meetings which resulted in nothing but stupid action points and "common goals", yeuch I hate the corporate world.

I also feel like a real-life Dilbert in that I felt I have been shitted on too many times working in the corporate world. I have many stories to tell about pervy ass bosses, bitchface marketing execs who used my ideas and didn't even keep me on, ass lickers who took credit for my work and worst of all the boss who promised me a long-term opportunity before sacking me in the last week of a SIX month probation.

Sitting here now with no real job and a string of temp roles on my CV, I have been doing some long-hard soul-searching about what I really want to do. I can't believe how much my interests have changed, even in the past year I feel I have just come alive! I don't know when that eureka moment happened, but at 26 I am edging away from the idea of what I wanted to be before graduating.

I have taken on many new hobbies this year and they have completely changed my life. I absolutely love Salsa dancing and I made it to Advanced level within 6 months! It has made me so happy and I am happiest whilst dancing. It has made me more appreciative of dance in general, I have the bug now so I want to try out other dances very soon!!

They say other things to do when considering a career change is just write a list of the things you love. Here's mine:

Dance, dance, dance!
Latin culture
Reading, anything and everything
Fashion
Health, beauty
Alternative therapies
Exercise - gym
Food, eating out, cooking
Film, especially world cinema
Learning languages
Reading and writing about men, relationships, dating, sex
Cool girly brands
Retro glamour: 1940s style

I also want to do more writing hence me starting up my blog again. I have been looking at Editorial Assistant jobs but it will be very tough and I am starting from the beginning again, oh well nothing new there.

Surely there should be a way out of a 9-5 where no-one really wants you to become successful. I am currently reading "The 4-Hour Week* for some inspiration on how to escape the rat-race. Wish me luck people!