Hello all,
I wonder if anyone really does read this and if so any comments are welcome.
Although I can't promise that the commentary on my life will be of interest!
I decided today that I would start writing again. It felt like more of a need. I am weighted down with so many thoughts, and however much I try I can't escape them. They say we have 9,000 thoughts a day or whatever it is, but when I look around I wonder if anyone is as disheartened as I am at the moment.
In a nutshell it has been one rollercoaster of a year, had an affair with a married man and I am still trying to get over it. We never even broke up properly I just started avoiding him as I was overcome with negative emotions and guilt. But I am 27 and this is the 2nd year I have been "single" without any serious relationship. I've dated a fair bit in the first year but the last year has really been all about this man. I fell for him so deeply and it hurts so much. I still have to see him around because he is in my social circle. I have felt like I am slowly going insane over him, sometimes my mind is racing with thoughts, and my heart is so heavy. I can be on the bus or at my desk, or sitting outside on my lunch break and my eyes just start welling up.
The quiet, the loneliness. I feel like I am dying inside. In my darkest months after my breakup I had visions of freefalling into a black hole and holding my arms. Sometimes I feel I would be better of dead because my life without love or passion feels grey and empty.
Looking back I know that he is a womanizing rat and has been with other women since me. Why do I hate him and love him at the same time? He was so charming and made me feel elated. I enjoyed it. When we were together I was happy, even though it fills me with shame and sadness that what I had with him was nothing, apart from the crumbs of someone else's life.
I never felt jealousy to this extent before. I couldn't help wondering why I wasn't good enough for him. Why did he kiss me, chase me, have sex with me, call me after, keep texting me (which fucked my mind up even more and still is) to ask how I am, if he was content.
I have seen him with his wife and they looked completely in love. The pain is a quiet, slow drill which weighs me down so much. I had to keep smiling so as not to give away anything. After all, my feelings don't matter do they? 
I am starting to believe I will never be happy without love.
About a year and a half ago I turned to learning to dance in order to find an outlet to express myself. I am so glad that I found it, it's not a hobby, it's become the biggest passion I have ever had. Probably IS the greatest love of my life. It is inspiring me to do so many things:
- to keep learning and developing as a dancer
- to travel to South America and Cuba to experience the dances and where they originate
- to learn Spanish which I am doing and loving!!
- to learn other languages, next will be French!
- I feel like it has made me a more interesting person
- I have more confidence
It is funny how this post started and how when I started to talk about dance my mood is just instantly lifting. I can always rely on dancing to cheer me up 
It's like a drug! I know that I will NEVER ever stop dancing.
Music is my comfort.. I could not live without beautiful music! Sometimes I listen to songs, and I always listen very hard to lyrics. Strange how some songs get you right there and feels like it has been written for you?
I decided to offload my crap here as I am getting so disheartened with Facebook. I feel very lonely when I log in and see all my "friends" ignoring my posts and making plans without me. I mean what the fuck? I like to think I am a nice person and tried to show that I am there for them but they have been shit. Especially since I got sorted with a new job and some sign of a future, it feels as though they aren't really happy with me. I have and am continuing to meet a lot of friendly people at dancing though so I hope over time we stay friends and dancing buddies
People do tell me I am gorgeous and always looking good and looking like I am up to no good? lool. I admit I do love compliments and why shouldn't I, not like I have a Prince Charming to tell me these things.
I gave up waiting for some perfect man to transform my life, if I meet him goodo if (and more likely) not I am moving on with my life and chasing everything I want and it feels damn good. I ain't waiting for no one especially not your sorry ass Mr Married! Fuck youuuuuuuu Married Man!
Ahem sorry I need to vent and don't know how. I looked for kickboxing the girly kind where you scream and punch and kick a bag. But I couldn't find anything. Must only be in the US!
I am also trying to pay off my debt so I can move out - I still live with my parentals (oh the same). I guess I am just not where I want to be in life in terms of having the THINGS that I want to have like a plush flat, or live abroad, or be travelling the world.
But inside I am rich : I am full of life, passion, love and the next person who gets it is gonna have to work hard cause he will have to be be damn fucking lucky to get it!
